If you're in infidelity recovery, you've probably felt this: the betrayed partner asks for change, the unfaithful partner tries to comply — and somehow it still feels like nothing is working. The betrayed partner wonders if their spouse is just checking a box. The unfaithful partner feels overwhelmed and like nothing they do is ever enough. Both partners end up more frustrated, more distant, and less safe than before. This isn't a character flaw. It's a pattern — and there's a name for it. My great friend and therapist Michael Webb explains it through the lens of Transactional Analysis. Every person operates from one of three ego states: the Adult, the Parent, and the Child. When infidelity enters a marriage — often on top of existing wounds like childhood trauma, addiction, or years of unspoken resentment — one or both partners can regress into a Child ego state. That inner child isn't looking for a spouse. It's looking for a parent to finally meet the needs that were never met in childhood. Here's where the cycle locks in: The betrayed partner, flooded with grief, fear, and abandonment pain, starts to feel like they have to remind, prompt, and monitor their spouse just to see basic recovery effort. They didn't sign up to be a parent in their marriage — but that's exactly the role they get pushed into. And the moment the betrayed starts parenting, the unfaithful slides into the Child — complying when reminded, going quiet when overwhelmed, and never quite owning their recovery from the inside out. The betrayed can feel the difference and pushes harder. The unfaithful shuts down further. Round and round it goes. Neither partner feels safe. Romantic and sexual attraction can disappear entirely. Both start wondering if this dynamic was always there — and whether recovery is even possible. Or much worse, each partner wonders if this will be what the relationship looks and feels like forever. The way out starts with awareness. When the betrayed partner steps back from pursuing and gives their spouse space to take initiative — and when the unfaithful partner stops waiting to be told what to do and begins leading their own recovery — the dynamic shifts.  Both partners begin meeting each other as adults again, not as parent and child. In this episode, we break down exactly how this pattern forms, why it's so hard to see from inside it, and what both partners can do — even unilaterally — to begin changing it. There is hope...... Samuel Samuel_healing on Instagram samshealingpodcast.com