The Biggest Problem in the Universe
Dick Masterson, Maddox
NSFW
All the problems in the universe, in descending order.
The End of Shows 646 See All the Problems... Well this is it, what may end up being the biggest problem in the history of this show, the problem nobody wanted or saw coming: the end of shows. Sometimes shows run their course, and this is one of those times. After 107 consecutive episodes, this will be the final show for The Biggest Problem in the Universe. When we took a break 2 weeks ago, I had every intention of coming back to regular episodes today. Unfortunately that can’t happen, but we’re going out with something a lot of fans have requested for a long time: the full intro song at the end of this episode. Also, we have a brief cap at the top of the show with the ever-boisterous coconut, Asterios. The final episode includes a problem from the most-downloaded episode in the show’s history: Well-Intentioned Idiots, and a fan-favorite guest, Ryan Holiday. We go over the final tally of problems and solutions and reminisce about the show. When I first started this show, I created it as an experiment to see if people would vote on these problems week after week. It turned out to be wildly successful and highly scientific, so it’s an element I’d like to continue in other podcasts I work on. And speaking of… This goodbye is only temporary because the new podcast and the new podcast network is still launching within the next two weeks. I’ll be posting about it on Facebook, Twitter and the site that started it all, The Best Page in the Universe. If you’d like to call in and leave a voicemail or song for the new show to speculate what it’s about or to simply ask life-advice, the new number is: 1-562-58-I-RULE (1-562-584-7853) Special thanks to all of the guests, callers, people who sent in gifts, fans who came out to the live shows, people who bought me drinks and all of the contributors and people who work behind the scenes to make this podcast possible, including producer Randy, Sean the audio engineer, assistant Jessica, Laurie Foster and Megan Pennock. This show wouldn’t be possible without you. One final shout-out to Harry’s for supporting this show over the years. Go to Harrys.com/BIGGESTPROBLEMS and use the promo code, BIGGESTPROBLEMS, to get $5 off your first purchase. It’s been a genuine pleasure working with these guys. And finally, a very special thanks to me for tirelessly putting in 10-12 hours per episode for over 2 years, without a single break. You’re welcome. So long for now, it’s been a hell of a ride. Lots more to come. Here’s the podcast for our SoundCloud listeners: The post Episode 107 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe. The post Episode 107 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe.

Episode 106 Transcript cobbled together by Laurie Foster Self-Defeating Thoughts 3383 Toms Shoes 3212 Hoverboard Hoaxes 1734 See All the Problems... Here’s our second best-of episode where we play the first-ever “Weird Matthew McConaughey” voicemail before we gave him the moniker, a classic Bono phone call and the origin of the “go fuck yourself” tag that started from a pattern of disparate comments and voicemail we received. Dick starts us out with Hoverboard Hoaxes and bemoans the lack of boards that hover without the aid of wheels or superconducting rails or weird vacuum contraptions, and I discuss my master plan for stealing the crown jewels. Everyone on the show agrees that it’s brilliant and it was never discussed again. Then I talk about the problem I’ve received the most email about in this show’s history: self-defeating thoughts. This one hit close to home for a lot of listeners and I felt that it was worth including in a “best-of.” If you disagree, you might want to check yourself because that’s a self-defeating thought. Then Asterios rounds out the third problem with Toms Shoes and faux-altruism. Say that last word out loud to appreciate that brilliant portmanteau I created. And stay tuned to the end to hear one of our favorite fan songs by @BandWagonBedlam called, “Too Much Swearing,” a reference to an earlier problem Dick brought in of the same name. And for the curious, the bonus episode referred to in the promo was Bonus Episode 3. Here’s the podcast for our SoundCloud listeners: The post Episode 106 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe. The post Episode 106 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe.

Episode 105 Transcript cobbled together by Laurie Foster Loud Muffler Douchebags 4168 Bro-Downs 2759 Stonewalling Vegans 2524 See All the Problems... Here’s our first-ever “Best-Of” episode, which after putting it together, may actually be the best episode of this show we’ve ever made. But so is every show we record. This episode has us spanning the gamut from douchebags, from the ones so loud you can hear them in your home when they drive by, to another kind of douchebag: the party bro and the ensuing nipple-fencing that occurs every time they feel remotely slighted. Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harrys.com/BIGGESTPROBLEMS and use the promo code, BIGGESTPROBLEMS, to get $5 off your first purchase. And we round things out with the douchebag theme with the saggiest of bags of douche: the stonewalling vegan. A statistically rare creature, as vegans represent only 0.5% of the US population, they make up over 90% of the crying you hear when you go to restaurants. We all know one, because they won’t stop talking about their stupid extreme diets. They’re like a good-time wrecking ball that can destroy the most meticulous of dinner plans. They can’t just go to a social gathering, order something and shut their grass-eating holes because they have the constant need to soak up every last ounce of attention and make the night about them and their needs. Vegans, for being such allegedly thoughtful and compassionate people, don’t care about the suffering their friends, families and colleagues constantly endure at the behest of the arbitrary dietary restrictions. Arbitrary in the sense that nobody who lives in modern society is truly vegan, because emulsifiers that come from beef are used in almost everything we manufacture, from shampoos and paints, to the plastic used in the very keyboards they use to type out their whiny guilt-tripping screeds. Their diets kill billions of animals in harvesters, but they brush it off by saying it’s “unintentional.” Cool, I guess by that logic we should let drunk drivers off the hook too. Maybe both problems can be solved by having an Uber-like service where all the drivers are drunk and they only pick up vegans. Possible Biggest Solution…? Here’s the podcast for our SoundCloud listeners: Sources: VegetarianTimes – Vegans represent 0.5% of the US, that’s approximately 1-million loud-ass whiners Thumbnail Sources: Car, Court, Rims, Pipe Original thumbnail courtesy of Jack Tubbs The post Episode 105 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe. The post Episode 105 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe.

Episode 104 Transcript courtesy of Megan Pennock and Laurie F. Tipping 786 Bureaucracy 741 Post-Credit Scenes 81 See All the Problems... We open this week’s show with discussing the social media meltdown revolving around the word “cuck.” Over the weekend I made a simple meme that made fun of both major political candidates, as they’re both as likeable as a shot of bleach. Guess which side had a COMPLETE MELTDOWN? Turns out that these people, for all their bloviating about PC culture being too sensitive, are quite sensitive! Want to reproduce my results? Just follow these simple steps: 1. Make an innocuous joke like this: 2. Sit back and enjoy the overly-sensitive, crybaby dipshits try to insult you with the only word in their vocabulary: “cuck.” Here’s an example from a more advanced writer, notice the conjunction of the word “cuck” and “master” to create the compound word, “cuckmaster”? Pretty clever. This writer even manages to use 3 other words: So I made this video in response, and the cry-babies proved my point that they’re overly sensitive and thin-skinned by expressing their outrage. Just look at the votes/comments: Dick tries to explain the old Shakespearean meaning of the word, which is essentially putting other’s interest before your own. Others have pointed out that this manifests itself in the phenomenon of raising another man’s offspring. Oh man, how embarrassing! I can think of nothing more insulting in this world than someone who would either A) get off to watching other people having sex or B) would want to actually raise a child they didn’t father/mother. Look at these suckers getting cuckolded! Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harrys.com/BIGGESTPROBLEMS and use the promo code, BIGGESTPROBLEMS, to get $5 off your first purchase. Big announcement this episode: we’ll be taking the next two weeks off so I can take time to focus on launching the new podcast and network. More details soon. But I won’t leave you hanging, as we’ll have best-of episodes in its place, with mix-and-match problems. Sound off below about your favorites. We’ll be back to live episodes on May 30th. And for those who still want a little extra to tide you over, here’s this month’s bonus episode if you haven’t checked it out, available for $1.33! Dick starts us off this week with his problem, which is a big one in my opinion: tipping. It’s a phenomenon that most people outside the United States aren’t familiar with, as it’s virtually unheard of in most of Europe, Asia and the Middle East. It puts you, the customer, in the position of also being the server’s manager. You can’t sit down and just enjoy your meal because you have to constantly be evaluating your server’s performance. It’s like becoming a temporary HR manager every time you get a sandwich at a restaurant: fun for no one. Then I bring in a problem that’s as cumbersome to spell as it is to abide: Bureaucracy. It’s in every facet of our lives, from phone companies, computer companies, cable companies, appliance companies, plumbers, electricians, power companies, gas utilities, the water company, garbage collectors, debt collectors, banks, universities, government, home owner’s associations, game tournaments and church. Everywhere we go in life, there’s needless and unwieldy procedures that people follow to a T. Every time you call tech support, you have to deal with a long list of touch or voice options, then you deal with a rep who makes you repeat their steps in the same order every single time. There’s no deviation from the script, no room for efficiency. Just needless and rote adherence to procedure. Vote up Human Robots! Then Dick caps the episode with an episode-capper, post-credit scenes. He hates them because[...]

Episode 103 Transcript courtesy of Laurie Foster Humorless Stupid People 826 The Texting Batter's Box 332 Voicemail 183 See All the Problems... We start out this show with voicemail like usual, which conveniently leads us to the first problem–and definitely a problem of the first-world order: voicemail. It’s obnoxious and the ones we play on the show are only a small fraction of the voicemail we receive. Maybe we’ll make a supercut of voicemail that didn’t make the show some day. We’ll call it, “melatonin.” Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harrys.com/BIGGESTPROBLEMS and use the promo code, BIGGESTPROBLEMS, to get $5 off your first purchase. Our guest, Michael Capes, joins us this week. For those of you who may not know, Michael is the purveyor of a lot of pranks and shenanigans, including his famous sneaking-into-Disney prank. He brings in “Humorless People.” If my intro paragraph pissed you off, you may be part of the problem. Michael talks about all the hurt butts in the comments section on Yahoo, YouTube and other online forums. I wonder if the comments on this site count? Only one way to tell: I’ll mention Trump and take shelter in my tear-proof bunker made out of bags of sand. Actual bags of sand, or boobs, I’m fine with either. And speaking of humorless comments, here’s the video I appeared in with Michael where we snuck into a night club with a crack team, ala Ocean’s 11 or 12. There are some real gems here: Also, special thanks to Casper for sponsoring this episode. Go to https://casper.com/biggest and use the promo code “biggest” to get $50 off, or don’t to pay $50 more. Isn’t it about time you upgraded your sleep game? Thank you to Casper and Harry’s for supporting us. And here’s one of the episodes of “What To Text” we shot together: Finally Dick rounds out this episode with the “texting batter’s box,” but not before we argue about what a baby is. Turns out, nobody knows. As for the texting batter’s box, it’s a concept Dick has referred to in the past, but finally brought it in as a problem: texting as an extra base when it comes to sex. First base, as everyone knows, is making out. Second base is hands below the waist, or handy-town. Third is when things get a little more scandalous when mouths go below the waist, and a home run is when you score. So what’s the texting batter’s box? According to Dick, an extra step before you even step up to bat. A step that Dick argues is a potential stumbling-block, where not batting correctly could mean you don’t even step up to the plate. Is that how it works? I don’t know, I don’t watch baseball because I don’t hate myself. And finally, because people are asking, I’ll announce more details about the new podcast along with the network soon. Stay tuned… Here’s the podcast for our SoundCloud listeners: Thumbnail by Eliazar Tatar Thumbnail Sources: Answering Machine, Counter The post Episode 103 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe. The post Episode 103 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe.

In this exciting episode, Maddox gets chewed out by a real Pokemon master, Sean deletes a coffee, and I forget to read an erotic story that's so good, you need a week to prepare for it. So wash the chili off of your sheets and get ready for another Biggest Problem in the Universe. Do you have kids? If you do, chances are you're doing it wrong, and we'll tell you exactly how. Maddox brings Helicopter Parenting, the phenomenon of over-parenting your children, thereby stunting their growth and leaving them unable to cope with life as adults. Did your mom do your laundry? Then she probably turned you into an entitled, narcissistic, additional buzzword about millennials, who can't even poop without looking up how to do it on YouTube first. Who do these helicopter parents think they are? Do they think they live in a world where more than 15% of children are victims of sexual assault? They are and they do. Go vote up first time child experts. I bring in The Job Lynch Mob. It's one part thought-crime, another part outrage porn, shaken not stirred by ten thousand loudmouths with too much time and too little control in their hands. To listeners, I ask the question: can you think of a tweet that's so offensive it should cost someone their job? You personally. If you can, vote it down. To me, opinions are like buttholes. I want a good, long look at all of them--especially the gross ones. Maddox ends the episode with another kind of hovering annoyance: Mosquitos. Easily the biggest problem on this list, mosquitoes are responsible for hundreds of thousands of deaths every year, the spread of dangerous diseases, and worst of all, waking me up buzzing in my ear like they own the place. Maddox claims we have the technology to end this menace once and for all, but it's being waylaid by something called "ethics". Go vote those up. The post Episode 102 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe.

In this episode, we talk about how Sean's problem changed someone's life, Maddox makes a big bet that's bigger than the entire solar system--or just slightly smaller than his ego. And I talk about personal freedoms for like 30 minutes on this very special libertarian holiday. 4/20 is like a Festivus of running your mouth for the world's most annoying, academically-enlightened know-it-alls: libertarians and drug addicts. I manage to combine both in my problem of the War on Drugs. The war on drugs has failed on all fronts. It has not lessened drug use, addiction, or abuse. It has increased ten-fold the number of Americans in for-profit prisons, and it has bent minorities and Mexico over and ducked them up the ass. The only thing the war on drugs has succeeded in doing is making mushrooms extremely difficult for me to find even though I promised these chicks I would get them some last weekend, so what am I supposed to do here? Maddox brings in The Golem Effect because he really loves Lord of the Rings. Nerd! The Golem Effect is the phenomenon of lower expectations resulting in lower performance. In a way, Maddox is right. Samwise expected Golem to be a dick, and he was a dick. But in another way, Maddox is wrong because Golem was always a dick and had dicketry in his heart--even way back in the director's cut when Smeagol kills his Hobbit friend to get the Ring of Power in the first place. That's why the ring was able to corrupt him so completely and not Frodo, because he was a dick. Also, he talked like an asshole. Vote up Golem. I bring in Ducking Autocorrect. Have you ever messaged your mom for sex or texted your girlfriend that you can't wait to get at her Holocaust after work? Have you ever used four "ha's" when you only meant to use three? You probably have if you use the half-broken technological piece of shot known as autocorrect. Autocorrect is like that one relationship you suspect you'd be better without, but it would take so much work to find out for sure. And by "that one" relationship I mean all relationships. Ducking relationships! The episode ends with Maddox doubling down on his Dick vs. Dick in a real auditory bloodbath. The controversy probably won't be solved in this episode, but it raises the question, who is best suited to explain what I meant 8 years ago with my brazen and future-predicting 14-word Trump joke within the first 4 pages of my book? It's clearly not me. Possibly the only two men can interpret it are my editor, Jeremie Ruby-Strauss, or the man himself, Donald Trump. The post Episode 101 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe.

Happy 100th episode! Thanks for listening, and an actual, genuine thanks if you've purchased our bonus episode available now for low, low price of $1.33. If you haven't, what are you waiting for? A smart alecky comment? I hope so because that's what you just got. Welcome to the big one folks. The big 100. We've got songs, gifts, celebrities, and a bombshell problem from Sean, but first, we kick off the celebration with a scintillating argument about politics, race, and gun violence. Scintillating means "makes you want to kill yourself", right? Then Maddox treats us to the worst Dick vs Dick in the history of the show, reaching back 8 years into the past and pulling probably the least contentious passage from my man-sterpiece Men Are Better Than Women, also on sale, and shoving it in my face. I don't know where explaining someone's own book to them falls on the mansplaining man-mometer, but I bet it's pretty high! Go vote up Maddox! Maddox brings in Asteroids and claims you have a higher chance of being killed by an asteroid than attacked by a shark. The math doesn't lie! We each propose radically different solutions to the asteroid problem. Maddox proposes defunding Planned Parenthood and forming a new world government ruled (presumably) by him, and I want to know when the rioting and looting starts. Come to think of it, those are our solutions to every problem. Go vote up sharks! Sean finally brings in his long teased problem. It feels like a spoiler to even reveal it in this post, so I'll just say this: if you want to avoid any spoilers, IT'S ADDICTION. Screw you. Go vote up Spoiler Cry Babies. I round out this mega-episode with a problem that has vexed man since the beginning of time. Women! I'll take my chances with the asteroid thank you very much. The post Episode 100 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe.

That's it ladies and gentlemen! This is the very last double digit episode. This is the very last time Sean will have not brought in a problem. This is the very last time alphanumeric sorting of our podcast episodes will be convenient. But if you think we're going to clear the 99th episode without a bitch being one, prepare yourselves because surprise special guest Asterios Kokkinos is back! Just kidding, I love Asterios. And he has a problem that will blow your mind. Maddox starts the episode with Facebook Video. It's rare when a company can screw over their platform's content creators, advertisers, and users all in one stroke; but that's just what the talented folks at Facebook Video are doing--cramming autoplay videos into your feed like they're shoving a big blue thumb up your ass, screwing advertisers outside the box with 3 second ad "plays", and profiting from out of control piracy. There's no joke on that last one because it isn't a joke and I don't see how these guys don't have the hipster sued out of them. There's a solution for next month: Class Action Lawsuits. Screw Facebook Video. Asterios breaks bad with his problem of Political Satire. I don't want to put words in his mouth, but I'm pretty sure he's saying that John Oliver is a sanctimonious, disingenuous, pandering shill with a message crafted only to turn his followers into smug, parroting advertisements for his garbage show and garbager Drumpf hats, but I may have misinterpreted some parts. Political satire has become a toothless tiger, a shameless and calculated alchemy of outrage porn and marketing demographics that is as cloying as it is cloistering. Instead of an agent of change, it's become an opiate for the disenfranchised, the closed-minded and the self-congratularati. But maybe Asterios is wrong. After all, it is it's 2016! Vote it up. I round off the episode with Banging Your Funny Bone. That's the only bone in the world no one wants banged. Vote it up! The post Episode 99 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe.

Ever wondered what the podcast would sound like without Sean? You're going to love this one then. The Delete-o Bandito waltzes into the studio late in this episode with a drink in one hand and an excuse in the other, without a care in the world like he's pepper spraying student protesters at UC Davis. Just how late? You'll have to listen to find out. But speaking of protesters... I bring in Road Blockheads. Those morons who block the freeway for reasons of love, hate, or the love of hatred. As far as I'm concerned, if you block the freeway for any reason other than "I screwed up", you've just declared a one-man personal Purge on yourself. Waze should award Road Munchies for running these jerks over. Remember, civil disobedience is still disobedience! Maddox brings in Murderers. Charles Manson, OJ, Albert Fish, Hitler, each a more terrifying murderer than the last. But what about Planned Parenthood? Where do they fall on the scale? I'll let you hear how the rest of that conversation goes. Does Maddox murder his own problem? Or does he hit it and acquit it? Only the voting will decide. I bring in Acne. If you voted down Living With Your Parents, and a lot of you did, something tells me you're going to vote this one up. I had acne as a teenager--and also last week...It sucks and no amount of lifting in the world will get rid of it. Vote it up unless you're too busy applying 3 billion dollars of rip-off creams to your open face wounds. Maddox presents Junk in the Trunk, and he's not talking about having a fat ass--something that everyone pretends is attractive for some reason. He's talking about having a bunch of garbage in your car. We all do it, and apparently it's a huge waste of gas and deepening America dependence on foreign oil. Just how much gas are we wasting? Is it 100 pounds? Because that's the only number I retained from the presentation. Tune in next week for our 99th episode and ensuing debate over, "What is a murder?" That seems about right for this show. The post Episode 98 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe.

There are only three more action packed episodes until everyone can finally have an opinion about the problem Sean brings in. Will it be hot stuff or horsepoop? Will it get deleted? Will it be about how no one helps Sean set up his audio equipment every week? There's only one way to find out! Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harry's website and use the promo code “BIGGESTPROBLEM” when checking out to get $5 off your first purchase. This episode, I bring in Decision Fatigue, the #1 cause of "can't even" syndrome. According to my research, having too many choices makes you fat, stupid, worse at making decisions, and makes everything in life lamer. Those are the same reasons that public services announcements give to not do drugs. If you're thinking of voting this election season, think of the effect all that choice will have on your overall happiness. Play it safe and stay home. When you choose, you lose. Maddox brings in Overpopulation Alarmists with the merciless take-down of 18th-century philosopher Thomas Malthus that you're going to have to hear to believe. Among other things, Malthus didn't predict the agricultural revolution and the fundamental change it would bring to sustainable levels of human civilization. What an idiot! Thomas Malthus would be pissing his pants in his grave right now if he wasn't too dumb to even do that right. Malthus got a lot of things wrong -- however, when pressed for the actual number of humans Earth could support between 7 billion and infinity, Maddox was stumped. I've seen The Price is Right. You can't give no answer on the Showcase Showdown. I also bring in Bits, and the scientifically supported theory that people who compulsively joke and make puns suffer from brain damage. Comedy bits? More like bits of your brain are screwed. If you know someone who jokes compulsively even when you're trying to talk to a girl and even when they aren't funny, don't just stop hanging around that person and talk crap about them on your podcast, get them the medical help they need. From what I've learned in cartoons, the only way to fix brain damage is with another, more severe blow to the head. Maddox brings in Prank Bros and shows a series of Internet "prank" videos that are either felonies or obvious fabrications, depending on how tall your soap box is. I think kids throwing milk around a store is hilarious, but as my previous problem showed, I have serious brain damage. Vote with your gut on this one, not your brain, and whatever you do don't think too much about it. It will make you fat. The post Episode 97 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe.

It's time for another uninvited guest! This time it's famed "person who claims to be a DJ online" and star of his own Twitter account, DJ Tim Changzzzzz. Pew pew pew! If you love him, subscribe to his YouTube channel. If you hate him, subscribe twice so you can leave a mean comment on everything he produces; but know that if you do that, you'll be one of today's biggest problems. Maddox brings in ADHDD, Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder. The extra D stands for DBPP or Diagnoses By Parent. The extra P is a typo. Millions of kids have ADHD. Does that mean their brains are fundamentally broken and ill-equipped to function in society without drugs? Big Pharma would like you to think so. Big Psychiatry wants you to think that these kids just need someone to talk to. My parents solved problems by making me run laps. DJ Tim Changzzzzz brings in Haters and if you can figure out why he thinks this is a problem, you should probably get yourself on some Ritalin because you have some serious ADHD. Predictably, Tim is light on stats, but heavy on showmanship, a socially acceptable version of nonsense. I bring in Poor Gym Etiquette, which might as well have been in another language. Maddox insists that gym goers do not suffer from jerks talking too loud; doofuses spitting in the drinking fountain; ball goblins using the bench press for 2lbs triceps kickbacks; horny penis weasels cuddling and smooching and acting like they're at a drive-in; semen wizards stealing your 15-pound weights when you're in the middle of a workout; and human jackass employees acting like missing equipment is a mysterious act of God that they'll pray comes to an end instead of something they should be trying to fix instead of texting their wannabe DJ friends. Maybe this isn't a problem at places like Curves, but I wouldn't know because they have a restraining order against me. Finally, our fan Dr. Smooth Rod sends in some fake money for Maddox's fake wallet. For more information on this #lifehack, check out this month's bonus episode for $1.33. We accept Maddox bucks, but they have to be delivered to us in the decapitated head of your greatest enemy The post Episode 96 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe.

Stock up on your bags of sand and prepare for an informational flood of biblical proportions. Who shot JR? What's Kramer's real name? Fuller House sucks, right? These burning questions of our pop cultural era mean dog turd compared to the bombshell that is dropped at the end of this episode of the Biggest Problem in the Universe. And I mean the very end. You have to listen to the entire episode. But first... In this episode, we receive gifts in the form of brownies and cookies and, as per my request, fan Daniel Heggie immortalizes one of my epic rants in an experimental form of jazz hands that he calls "Australian Sign Language". Take a look at it below, and make sure you tell Daniel how boss his hair looks even if you don't really think so. I start the episode with Bumper Stickers. Imagine everything you would never ever say in polite conversation: how many kids you have; who you support for president; preachy, virtue-signaling platitudes; the N-word. Well, with a bumper sticker, you can say all of that and more for low, low price of your dignity. Bumper stickers are the presumptuous Alamo of our modern age. Did you forget what a tremendous prick I am? Don't worry, I taped it on my crap-mobile. Remember my bumper sticker. Maddox brings in Bottled Water. Sure, estrogen-leaching, masculinity-eradicating BPA chemicals are bad and everyone agrees that the idea of water being more expensive than gasoline is farcical and inhumane, but what's the alternative? Drinking out of the toilet? Gross. According to Maddox, Pepsi has declared war on free tap water. Maybe they should declare war on medicine-y aftertaste because Pepsi sucks. I bring in Sleep Deprivation. Not only can it make you fat, stupid, depressed, ugly, and dead, but it can also make you fall asleep while you're trying to eat a girl out. I can't speak from personal experience because I don't do that sort of thing, but I heard about it from a guy. Maddox ends the episode with Twitter. What is there to say about an industrialized social media juggernaut that connects millions of people across the world and sublimates consumer media into an interactive experience unifying technology and communication in a single hive consciousness? How about, there aren't enough characters. If you agree, #voteitup #YOLO #blessed #Trump2016 And don't forget to check out this month's bonus episode for $1.33! The post Episode 95 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe.

Like AC/DC we are back in black this week to round up the most controversial problem ever brought in on this show. Of course, I'm not talking about Being Black. I'm talking about friggin' Wallets. Dozens of passionate challengers called in to debunk Maddox's non-singular wallet lifestyle. Does he fold under the pressure? Or is the world about to be hit with a new fashion trend: Two wallets for show. Zero wallets for a pro. The post Episode 94 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe.

Episode 93 Transcript courtesy of the amazing Megan Pennock Being Black 501 Google Delegators 501 Wallets -574 See All the Problems... Lock your car doors, cross to the other side of the street, and give your back pocket a tap to make sure your wallet’s still there; we’ve got a very special guest on this week and we’re going to walk a mile in his shoes. Heads up, we’re going to get followed around a lot by expert criminal profilers who make minimum wage. Unlike the Oscars, Maddox and I think that this podcast should represent more than just Sean and his white problems–problems like not getting enough emails encouraging him to bring in a problem for the 100th episode by visiting the Who page and emailing him directly. That’s why fan of the show, Denzel, brings in the problem of Being Black. Myths were debunked, perspectives were broadened, and only half of the people on the show survived the entire hour without using a racial epithet. Happy Black History Month. Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harry’s website and use the promo code “BIGGESTPROBLEM” when checking out to get $5 off your first purchase. Here’s the Donald Sterling clip we discussed, where ESPN host Bomani Jones brushes aside the casual racism of Donald Sterling for the real issue. The entire interview is good, but he gets to the heart of the issue around 5:27 if you’re short on time: Maddox brings in Wallets as a problem, because they’re full of useless bullshit and are basically purses for men. I agree with him in theory, but like Q-Tips and texting while driving, I’ll probably never give up my wallet. I’m so addicted to wallets I have a wallet in my wallet just in case I need to sort through some receipts, foreign checks, and out-dated auto insurance cards while I’m sorting through my receipts, foreign checks, and out-dated auto insurance cards. To replace wallets, Maddox proposes a radical system wherein we simply use nothing at all and cram bills and credit cards into our pockets like reverse magicians. I can’t prove it, but my hunch is that something was wrong with this system necessitating the invention of wallets. I guess we’ll let Maddox, the guinea pig in chief, find out what that problem was. -Maddox power paragraph: So I searched Google images for “slope-head” and “slope-headed” and other than that one Urban Dictionary reference, I saw no references to Chinese people in the top search results (even with safe-search filter off), but several to cave men / neanderthals. Is this confirmation bias? No. Though I did find several references to it in the racial slur database, so it does check out. You be the judge, so long as you agree with me: Search for “slope-head:” Search for “slope-headed:” /Maddox I bring in Google Delegators, people who treat everyone else as servants for their own personal Googling. Just because I have my computer out, doesn’t mean I’m asking to Google something for you. I finally get what all those feminists are talking about. I didn’t do a very good job with my problem because I spent all week trying to figure out how to help black America. Did I figure it out? I think I got closer than anyone else. Let me know in the comments below. Check out Denzel on Twitter: @thatDenzel, Instagram: @ninetytwobricks, and Snapchat (UglyTanSofa). And don’t forget to check out this month’s bonus episode for $1.33 And here’s the podcast for our SoundCloud listeners: Sources: NPR – Interracial dating. OK Cupid – Race attraction. NYCLU – Stop and frisk. NY Times – Driving while black. DumbLittleMan.com – Sticking to the 1-2-2 rule for wallets. NPR – Lead Poisoning Washington Post – Black Poverty Concentration Kids Count – Single Parent Families by Race LMGTFY – Let Me Google That For You[...]

Episode 92 Transcript courtesy of Laurie Foster Confirmation Bias 1314 Internet Addiction 1109 Burning Your Mouth On Hot Food 711 Receipts 373 See All the Problems... Several debates rage on in this episode: What is a stop? Are Q-tips still dangerous even if you don’t shove them in your ear hole like you’re loading a musket? Will Sean bring in a problem for the 100th episode or will he delete the hopes and dreams of thousands of fans? Or will enough people email him and bully him into doing it by visiting the Who page where his email is? Only time will tell! Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harry’s website and use the promo code “BIGGESTPROBLEM” when checking out to get $5 off your first purchase. Maddox brings in the very serious problem of Internet Addiction, a problem that has killed at least 6 Chinese people (according to the research presented), and has put several more in internet addiction rehab camp. I do agree that internet addiction is a big problem, I just think it’s an unlikely problem coming from someone who would suck a dick to be permanently plugged into the Oculus Rift. But I guess that proves the strength of the addiction. If you’ve ever tried to click a word on a newspaper, vote it up. On a serious note, if you or someone you know is suffering from internet addiction, please send them a link to our website and Facebook page and Maddox’s Twitch stream and Twitter. And special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harry’s website and use the promo code “BIGGESTPROBLEM” when checking out to get $5 off your first purchase. I bring in Receipts as a problem because they are annoying and pointless and make a mess in my car. Also, they contain chemicals that will shrink your dick. As a society, why do we willingly participate in this “proof of purchase” charade? Do we like carrying around a little certificate in our pocket that says we earned something? Maybe. People, it’s time to break free from the shackles of this receipt conformity. Come to my self-improvement seminar, where Instead of making you walk over hot coals to imbue you with a fleeting and false sense of personal empowerment, I make you walk past the receipt checking guy at Best Buy. Here’s the Mitch Hedberg joke about receipts that Maddox mentioned: Maddox brings in Confirmation Bias. I think it’s a huge problem, but that’s probably just my bias talking. I’m going to vote it down to demonstrate my critical thinking. I would have put money on confirmation bias being Maddox’s problem for the 100th episode, but I would have been wrong. What problems do you think we’ll bring in the for the 100th episode? Guess below. The winner will get a prize. I bring in a problem that is just as difficult to spot as confirmation bias until it’s too late: Burning Your Mouth on Hot Food. If you feel the burn, lend me your vote–the burn of burning your mouth on hot food that is. Finally, listener Brent Moran sends in Virtual Maddox, a freakishly accurate recreation made by “running Markov processes on transcripts of the show to simulate Maddox’s speech patterns”. I think it’s pretty accurate, but you all will have to be the judge. Either way, Brent has some explaining to do. And don’t forget to check out this month’s bonus episode for $1.33 And here’s the podcast for our SoundCloud listeners: Sources: NPR – Ben Alexander story from NPR. Discover Magazine – Bulgarian city council member demoted for playing FarmVille. IGN – Man playing Everquest kills his child. The Guardian – Korean couple lets their child starve to death while they played at an internet cafe. ScienceDaily – Do you know what is a ‘confirmation bias?’ YouAreNotSoSmart – Your opinions are formed selectively. ScienceDaily – Study finds th[...]

Is there a doctor in the house? We're all going to need one after this episode because my Spidey/specious medical advice senses are tingling. But what set them off? I bring in the problem of Food Waste. Did you know one out of four calories produced in the world go straight into the trash? If only the same could be said of Tumblr posts, "think pieces", and celebrities. The world would be a much better place. It's even worse in the United States, where 30-40% of the food supply is wasted. If only the same could be said of my state of inebriation. The world would be a much better place. Recently, France passed a law preventing supermarkets from disposing of perfectly good food that looks a little screwy, and then doing stuff like dumping bleach on it to make it inedible for the homeless and destitute. I'm all for a good prank, but even as a libertarian, I can say that that is a questionable use of bleach. Robin Higgins is back with the steamy problem of No One Teaches You How To Have Sex Good. She's right, but I don't know if we solved her problem this episode. Robin presents some great advice like don't do any bits during sex and why do I hate women? She also brings in an idea for a "boring porn" that would serve as an instructional video and teach us all how to have sex more good. Also, I offer to electronically screen potential gentleman suitors for Robin this Valentine's Day. Hit me with your best lines. Be creative. I've heard and said them all. Maddox ends the episode with Q-Tips. According to half of the people on this podcast, Q-Tips are cotton swabs you use to clean your ears. According to the other half, they're titillating sticks of sensual pleasure that ride your earhole g-spots into a world of addicting ecstasy. I'm not exaggerating. Maddox says that Q-Tips are dangerous to use and that having wax in your ears is good for you and part of the body's natural defenses against things like germs and dust and assholes who disagree with you. I have no idea if this is true. If you're a doctor, please reach out via email. This might be the most important consultation you've ever weighed in on. If Maddox is right, I have several hundred Q-Tips I need to throw away and then pour bleach on. I don't want any homeless people getting addicted to pleasuring their earholes with fuzzy sticks. The post Episode 91 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe.

If you haven't purchased the most recent bonus episode for $1.33, none of this episode will make sense. Asterios Kokkinos is back! And this time he has a problem that will appeal to anyone who's ever thought of something and then expected to make a million dollars from it. Of course I'm talking about Unappreciated Creators. Imagine a world where the guys who created Superman and Wolverine and Ghost Rider are all homeless and giving hand jobs for sandwich meat in Battery Park. If that got you excited, congratulations because that's the world you're living in. Personally, I think a five year old could have created the concept of Superman: a guy in a cape who can't be killed. Big deal. The success of the brand is due to xenophobia, nostalgia, and years of marketing, but what do I know. Vote up people who tell you about their dreams. Special thanks to Casper for sponsoring this episode. Go to https://casper.com/biggest and use the promo code "biggest" to get $50 off, or don't to pay $50 more. If you don't think domestic violence is a problem, you're probably not one of the one-third of the population of Earth who is beating the hell out of the other one third. Your gender doesn't matter in that hypothetical because it's happening both ways. It's the problem that keeps on giving. Domestic violence is the reason we have neck ties. It's comforting to imagine we're civilized, but the stats say otherwise. I've attached several statistics on domestic violence to this post. Before debating them or objecting to them, please remember that it doesn't matter how accurate they are. No one will stop it either way. Maddox rounds out the episode with a much more personal problem, something that has plagued both man and comedian and the British since the beginning of time: crickets. Crickets are loud, and annoying, and full of protein. But that can be said for all the hosts of this show too. Vote up crickets and watch Maddox and Asterios hunt them down on Periscope! The post Episode 90 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe.

Episode 89 Transcript courtesy of Laurie Foster Affluenza 1806 People Who Talk About Their Dreams -145 See All the Problems... Also, we come to learn that Ethan was unsurprisingly homeschooled because his parents disagreed with a teacher who said he wasn’t allowed to drive at 13. Here are all the sordid details on ABC’s 20/20: As for Dick, he was predictably contrarian, even when it comes to defending a murderer. Dick mischaracterized the judge’s ruling as a rejection of the affluenza argument, but this exact same judge ruled for jail time on a very similar case where another teen, Eric Bradlee Miller, killed one person while drunk driving: Source: NY Daily News Dick’s moral compass was all over the place this episode, with his defense of stealing, dishonesty and … this teen? The judge? The ruling? I’m not sure. The disagreement was flying so fast that I think I could have said Dick was awesome and he’d find a way to disagree with me. That said, Dick’s problem of “people talking about their dreams” rounded out this episode nicely and ended things on a lighter note. Though how much of a problem is a minor annoyance you can walk away from, that at worst, is a slight inconvenience? To be fair, my problem went long this episode and Dick and I had other stuff to bring in. We’ll cover that in another episode. And here’s the podcast for our SoundCloud listeners: Brilliant Thumbnail by: Clay Rodery, Illustrator – http://www.clayrodery.com Sources: Wired – The psychology of lotteries ABC – 20/20 episode: A Case of Affluenza HBO – Affluenza and the culture of dependency (Real Time with Bill Maher) Daily Beast – Ethan Couch’s joyride to Mexico NY Daily News – Texas teen gets 20 years for fatal drunk driving crash by same judge who sentenced Ethan Couch Star-Telegram – Judge who gave Ethan Couch probation gave another teen 20 years behind bars for fatal DWI crash Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis – Happiness and real income per capita in the US PBS – Affluenza The Motley Fool – Measuring the happiness index The post Episode 89 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe. The post Episode 89 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe.

Asterios is back! And trying to impress a special lady friend while he's at it with his Wayne Brady-slaying comedy, his seductive Star Wars themed puns, and his erotic extreme-shouting about nothing. But he screws up by bringing in Last Call as a problem. If I was trying to impress a woman, I would have brought in a problem like Not Enough Celebrity Dancing Shows or Having Too Big A Penis, but to each their own. The post Episode 88 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe.